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Sunday, January 9, 2011

I Want Clear Skies

I've been fighting depression lately.  

I can feel it when it starts.  

     It's like someone just took a blanket and put it over me.  I don't wanna go there but the pressure is still there.  Some people would never fess up to the truth but I'm not some people... I'm me and I'm not like everyone else.  When this junk comes you can read it all over my face, you can see it in how I carry myself.... so I'm willing to say what's going on because lying about how I'm feeling isn't going to help me. 

     As a family, we're going through some hardships and it's had me stretched like a rubber band.  I've been trying to watch what I say and do so I don't make the pressure on my husband any more than it is.  At the same time, I've been trying to help the kids find a good balance in their emotions.  But the stretch it has placed on me has brought me to the place where I don't have much stretch left in my rubber band... it's starting to break.

     I don't know why I'm here or why I'm going thru this.... all I know is where I've been and where I wanna go.  

I don't want to be in this "funk"... it drains the life out of me. 

     I don't wanna be around anyone, I just wanna find a rock and crawl under it... but that's not the real me.  So I'm gonna do the only thing I know how to do, I'm gonna remind myself of what God has done for us.  I'm going to pray that as I remind myself of what God has done that he'll remove the grey clouds from around me. 

  • Just a few months ago, when I didn't know where provision was going to come from, God stepped in and showed out, he provided on a daily basis what was needed.

  • God has protected my family and I so many times on the road.  He's given me what I call "traveling graces" such that at one time I drove a vehicle for a year and a half with multiple cracks in the head and if you know anything about engines you know that's not possible.

  • I've personally been in 3 automobile accidents in my life, (all as a passenger in case you're wondering) and God has protected me through each one.  I've walked away from each with only bruises and contusion

  •  He took care of my daughter Kathryn when she was bitten by a poisonous snake.  He brought every person she needed to the same place at the same time, gave them wisdom and saved her life. 

  • Something I forgot about till now is that he put a missionary outside the United States, who didn't even know us, on her knees praying for someone bitten by a poisonous snake.  This happened at the time my daughter was dealing with the snake bite not days after.

  • God has healed me of a hiatal hernia even though the doctors said that once you have a hiatal hernia you'll have it for life.  A hiatal hernia happens when part of your stomach pushes upward through your diaphragm.  It allowed food and acid to back up into my esophagus, giving me heartburn and chest pain.

  • God gave me children even though my diagnosis of PCOS said I'd have no children.

  • God watched over and protected me when I ended up with a systemic infection after the twins were born.  He even brought a tent evangelist to my house when he and his prayer partners where already headed out of town after a tent revival to pray for me.  The healing that the doctors said would take a minimum of three months was complete in three weeks.

  • When my son Michael was just a toddler he burned both of his hands on a wall heater.  He had 1st and 2nd degree burns all over the palms of his hands yet he healed with no scarring, no evidence but one small mark that anything ever happened to him.

  • Many times when no one knew our situation people have walked up and said God laid you on my heart and I don't know what's going on but I'd like to give you this... and it's been a check or cash.  Sometimes it been just enough to get us through another day and other times it's been what we needed to "fix" whatever the problem was at that time.  

  • When I was at a low time in my life God placed a woman in my life that saw me the way God sees me and accepted me just the way I am.  I now call her my best friend.

  • God protected my life when during labor with my third pregnancy I began to bleed internally due to an undiagnosed case of placenta previa.

  • God protected my life in utero when at 4 months gestation my mother began to pass blood clots.  She prayed for me, for God to protect me and that she would not miscarry... and he did, he kept me safe, and gave me life.

There are so many more things I could add but I don't need to. 
I feel the cloud lifting.

     All I could think of when I began writing was how David, in the Bible would encourage himself in the lord when he was at a low place.  He'd remind himself of all that God had done and give him praise.  

Our problems have not knocked God off his throne.  I find myself reminded that God has never left me.  He's still in control.  He's never forsaken me.  He's always watched over me.  He has plans for my life, to prosper me and give me hope.... and a future.

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