Yes, he wanted me to go home and not come back till I could no longer walk or talk through my contraction…. then he left. My wonderful husband started getting things ready to take me home but something was wrong.
He figured I meant that I’d not make it back in time to have the baby in the hospital. That was not what I meant. I didn't understand it, and I wasn't being irrational, I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not make it back alive if I went home. So we stayed… not at the hospital… but at a restaurant not far away.
Eventually the pain was too much to bear and we went back to the hospital but it didn't take long for them to realize something was very wrong. Fifteen minutes later my room was filled with a dozen people prepping me for an emergency cesarean. They whisked me out of the room without ever telling my husband what was going on. He had no idea what was happening or what was about to occur.
Choice 1 – We do nothing and just let her die.
I would never get to see her in any other way, we would never have the chance to take her home. We were notified three days after she was born that all brain function had ceased. I've never heard my husband grieve like he did that day. His pain was the only thing that touched me, otherwise, I was numb. I didn't even cry. This was my fault.... I felt so much guilt and condemnation. If I’d demanded that the doctor not send me home, she would have lived. If I'd said I'll take choice 2… save my child at all costs… she would have lived. Now, I definitely couldn't tell him what had happened and the choice I'd been forced to make...I was afraid he'd blame me like I blamed myself and that would be to much to bear.
The pressure at times from both sides made me feel even more alone.
I don't have a lack of faith. I know God can heal but how long do we leave her in this position before we let her go? On the other hand, why must we be pushed so hard to immediately remove life support? Why can't the doctors back off and give God the chance to work things out? She’s just been born and has never opened her eyes or made one noise, can't we wait a little while? We finally had to make the decision, one of the hardest in our lives, to remove life support. We prayed and told God that we knew that he could heal her and that our faith was such that when we took her off of life support the decision was God’s. He could heal her or take her home. So ten days after she graced us with her presence, we let our little Sarah Jane go home. We held her till she took her last breath and even the nurses cried.
Many came to the viewing intent on ministering comfort to us but the sight of her little casket would open up wounds they thought had been buried long ago and forgotten. We then had an opportunity to bring comfort to those who had come to comfort us.
You wouldn't think that a life so short would make the impact that hers did. She never moved a muscle, never made a sound, never opened her eyes but her death brought life. I know that sounds totally crazy but it’s true. There were so many women in our church at that time that had gone through the loss of a child either through abortion, miscarriages or infant deaths.
They knew my pain and it brought their pain to the surface.
They were faced with a decision to allow those hurts to finally be healed… or continue to deny the wound and rebury it.
In the days and weeks after her death about 30 women found total healing. I don’t know why Sarah only had ten days…… but it was amazing what God did with it.