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Sunday, April 3, 2011

I Ended Up In A Fashion Show !

     At age 18 I was about 120 lbs and wore size 12 clothes..... 
but I was fat.

That's how I saw myself.  
     All I'd ever been told was that I was fat and needed to lose weight and when you've been told that long enough you believe it.  I had no friends, no confidant, no value, and no worth.  I wore black all the time to camouflage what I thought was wrong with my body but I also wore it because it fit my mood.  I was emotionally scarred as you can imagine.  I could preach the word of God, break it down and explain it for you at a young age.  I knew the word of God told us that he didn't judge us on our outside, our body, our wealth, our status, our color.... it was our heart he's concerned about but the walls I surrounded myself with were high and they were defended and no one attempted to break them down.

     When my wonderful husband came into my life, I literally saw no value in myself so when he ask me to marry him I couldn't understand why he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  I definitely couldn't understand why he would bypass all the beautiful girls in the church and ask me.  He said he loved me but I couldn't understand why?  There had to be something wrong with him that he could love me?  Maybe he liked fat girls?  Even though I didn't understand how he could love me I loved him dearly so of course I said yes.  The fact that I hadn't found a way to love myself made things difficult on our relationship for years.  In my eyes everything boiled down to having something to do with my weight and my size.

     As I got older and had children I got larger so of course that made matters worse.  I put on more weight and I personally lost, in my eyes, what little value I felt I had.  I stopped wearing dresses and skirts because I got sick and tired of looking like I bought my clothes from Omar the tent maker.  I was tired of picking clothes off the rack that I thought would look good on me only to have them accentuate everything that was wrong with my body.  While I refused to judge others on their size or weight I couldn't help but judge myself unworthy because of mine.
Every rip in a pair of pantyhose, every unsuccessful trip to buy clothes or shoes was another sign that I was never meant to look good in anything.  I was sure that God had definitely made a mistake the day he made me.

     The only thing that brightened my mood was when I found out that I could get up and sing in a pants outfit.  I didn't have to be self conscious anymore of how large I looked while I sang.  It would be nice to sing again and feel good about how I looked at the same time. (That was so very important to me.) 

But God....

     God knew my pain and all the wrong thinking I had in my head about myself.  He knew the way I thought. I didn't even remotely see myself in the right light, according to his word and I needed someone in my life that could reach me.  Maxine is that person.  She has been a great friend.... in fact, as the kids would say it, she's my BFF ! ! !  I thank God for her.  You know how we "know" the word of God but we need God "with skin on?"  It's that need to have someone you can touch.  God knew she could reach me, she could touch me, she could help me come to see myself in the right light.  When we first started to get to know each other I called myself a fat frumpy old white lady.  I still wore only black but God used Maxine in my life to start changing my ideas about myself.

     God gave me someone in her who loved me just the way I am. Someone who let me know that my weight didn't matter.  The fact that my legs are so white I could blind you if the light hits them just right was OK too. Maxine had heard me sing with the kids in children's church but other than that she didn't even know I could really sing till after our friendship had become strong enough you couldn't pry us apart.  She didn't value me because I could sing or because of anything else I could do or because of what I had or who I was.  My weight, my height, my color.... none of that was an issue.  She ignored those things because they didn't matter to her... my heart, my passion and my love for Christ and others what was she cared about.

     When our friendship began there was no way she would have gotten me into a fashion show.  Forget that!  I would have told her she was crazy.  Fashion shows are for super-models who don't like food.... and in case you're blind.... that's not me.  There is also no way that I would have been willing to come beside her and help her bring one together because fashion shows are notoriously about selling women as a commodity and not about honoring or valuing them.  This fashion show was to be totally different though.   It's was about giving glory to God for the wonderful thing he did when he made us... each and everyone, different shapes, sizes and colors but all of us made in his image.... made in the image of God.

     It's so very important that we stop seeing ourselves according to what our family, our friends and our society says.  God says we are the head and not the tail, we are above and not beneath. God doesn't care what our weight is, or our height, or our color... our ethnicity, our income, or where we live. He loves us just the way we are.. he always has and he always will.

     On this journey I've come to realize that God didn't make a mistake when he made me.  He's known all my ups and downs, all the different weights I would ever be and he hasn't determined my level of anointing, my value or my usefulness according to it.  

So,.....

time for finding fault is over. 

I was created in the image of God. 

It's time to step out of my cocoon and unveil the woman within.

I will not always be the size I am so I will dress the body I currently have and love who God made me to be. 

2 awesome comments:

  1. Goes to show why nobody should ever tell a kid they are fat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LB, you're right. We don't understand the impact that our words have on others especially children. They are listening to people who they are supposed to be able to trust not to hurt them.

    ReplyDelete

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