“You have three choices:Number one, you can just let the baby die.Number two, you can let the nurse anesthetist put you under but by doing so you are greatly risking your own life. You may die.Number three, you can wait for the anesthesiologist to get here so he can safely put you under and then maybe we can save your baby.”
“GOD, what do I do !” This was the cry of her heart.
I don't really know why I felt I needed to revisit this subject. I've already written about this in What Would You Do With 10 Days? I guess I can only pray that as I write God will bring out what needs to be said.
How could I have made the choice to save my own life over hers? If I’d been willing to die for her then she would have lived. The pain and anguish my family, my husband was enduring….. I was the cause… I was to blame.
Choice one… I could continue to blame myself for her death and for causing everyone so much pain… and relive that one event in my life over and over and over again till it consumed me.
Choice two… I could stubbornly ignore how I felt and try to stuff all my feelings, my loss, my guilt, so far down inside of me…. I could shut it up in a room and padlock the door so it couldn't get out. And when I’m good and ready (which would be never), I’ll deal with it.
Choice three… I could let it out. I could cry and grieve my loss. I could confess the guilt and blame I felt was rightly on my shoulders. I could forgive myself for guilt and blame I carried whether real or imagined.
I miss my daughter but I've been blessed since her death with two other children who have been a blessing and a joy to me. All my children deserved to have me.