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Monday, November 14, 2011

Me & My Big Mouth

     A couple of months ago I started getting real moody, even more moody than usual and I began to probe the depths of an "as of yet" untapped level of anger and rage I didn't know was inside of me. Yeah, we're talking mood swings and some pretty bad ones at that. One night after my husband finished work he met me at the grocery store and we spent a rather nice time grocery shopping (good food always makes me happy!)... afterward I needed to stop and get gas.  Even though I have no problem paying for and pumping my own gas I started getting really irritated that my husband wasn't going to stay and do it for me.  He was going to head on home and he'd help get the groceries out when I got there.  So...  grumpily I pulled up to the pump and headed off to pay.  Now I was at Kroger getting gas and did NOT want to use my 10-20 or 30 cents off so as I handed the cashier my money and Kroger card I told him ...

"I do not want to use my points."  

     He took my payment, gave me back my Kroger card and that was it.  Did he hear me?  He didn't let me know he heard me.  So I stood there waiting for him to pay attention to the fact that I was still standing outside his little booth.  Finally he sees I'm still there and looks straight thru me.  Did you hear me when I said I DO NOT want to use my points?  He answers me shortly but I still couldn't make out what he said or whether he understood.  You know, it's like the speakers when you go to a drive thru .... what language are they speaking! (Thank God for the digital display!... at least I can see if they got my order right even if they sound Greek to me)  So I continued to stand there till he recognized that I still hadn't moved.  

Did you understand that I said I DO NOT WANT TO USE MY POINTS?  

Then his snarky tone broke thru as he very slowly stated to me
as though I was a moron,... thru a speaker system that now sounded state of the art and was perfectly clear.... 


     That was it... how dare this snarky little toll-booth gas station cashier talk to me that way!  The stuff that started coming out of me as I headed back to pump my gas, (ouch!)... it was ugly to say the least and not a bit clean and I didn't care who heard me cause he just needed to be VERY glad there was glass between to the two of us or I would've taught him a thing or two.  As I turned beside my vehicle to pump my gas I found my husband standing there.  What are you doing I ask him and he answered that he figured since he was there he'd pump my gas for me before he headed home. 


     Oh, to say I was livid is an understatement but I had no chance to delve into why my anger had doubled down and multiplied when I saw him standing there pump in hand ready to pump my gas.  He ask what all the ruckus was about.  As I began to tell him about how the lousy no good excuse for a human being cashier had treated me I included just about every colorful and descriptive word I knew.  When I paused just long enough he ask me... Why do you have to do that?  No way!  You are incredible!  This man treats me so disrespectful and all you're interested in is how I'm acting and what I'm saying!!!!!    


     I stormed off and got in my vehicle ready to leave as soon as he finished pumping my gas... and then an urge hit me so strong. All I need to do is do a quick U-turn and gun the engine and I'm lined up to ram that little glass booth he's sitting in... he'll never disrespect me again!  I didn't give in but it was the only thing I could think of all the way home.  Once I got home everyone was in the wrong even if they were right .. they were wrong.  My husband could see that I was clearly upset with him but he didn't know why so I was more than happy at that point to inform him that ...


     You see, if he had decided to begin with, that he was going to take care of the gas, then I wouldn't have had to deal with the cashier.  If I didn't have to deal with the cashier then I wouldn't be mad.  Makes sense right?  Made perfect sense to me!  I spent days stewing over this till my emotions came down to a more moderated and even level but it has taken me months to really get a handle on my emotions and what I wanted to do.  For the longest time I felt the issue here was a lack of validation of my feelings. 

     Since that blow up I've had another which was at home with one of my sons and my husband.  Through this God has shown me that there is a depth of anger and rage available to each and everyone of us whether we're willing to acknowledge it or not.  We are human and everything is not in our control no matter how badly we want it to be.  There are going to be things that come at us, storms that swirl around us, events that can rock us to our very core.  For women, there will be times when our body acts in a way we would rather it didn't, our hormones and emotions will betray us... but it's ok... this is when we find out what is in us and what God wants to get out of us.  We can't go thru this time without Him.  It doesn't matter where your anger comes from, ... God says BE ANGRY AND SIN NOT.  He understands that we will get angry but he tells us DON'T SIN!  You may not ever have an urge like I did but I expect that many of you reading this have totally lost control of your mouth at some time and said some of the most mean and hurtful things you can say.  I'm here to tell you that you can be angry, you can find yourself teetering on the edge of that fit of rage AND NOT SIN.  God can help you to not act on your feelings, he can help you tame your tongue but it will take humility.  Are you willing to humble yourself and ask for help?  That's what I had to do.  I had to sit down in front of my children, my husband and God and tell them what I was going thru.  I told them how out of no-where I can just get so angry that I can't even think straight.  I ask them to forgive me and cried as I told them how out of control I feel when I have these mood swings but I had to acknowledge that long before the mood swings appeared I had a problem with anger.  They rallied around me and loved on me when I was willing to be humble and vulnerable.  If I wanted to tame my tongue and control my anger I had to acknowledge my wrong and stop excusing away bad behavior on someone else.  I had to be willing to say...

Here I am...I did it...I need help!

God help each one of us to see clearly who we are without you
and then Lord wrap your arms around us and help us
see who you made us to be... who we can be in you.

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